growth.

Everyone told me before I came to Thailand that being here would change me, but slow growth sometimes feels hard to mark, doesn't it? When I was training for the Half-Marathon, every long run felt like the hardest run... ever. I would run 5 miles and think "That's it. That's my max. Can't go further." But then the next week I would run 6. And then 7. And I'd think the same thing, that I'd reached my limit. But the more that I pushed, the more I was able to stretch myself. I think that faith is like that.

God asks us to step out in faith, and if we choose to be obedient, it stretches us. Our obedience often feels like we're maxing our faith out. Like, "Okay, God, I did that for you. But that's it. I can't go any further than that." But then the next time, that same act of obedience becomes a little easier, and we are able to do something that requires a little more faith.

If we don't stop to look back, it would be easy to become discouraged. After all, every act of faith feels just as stretching and just as difficult as the one before. But when we look back we see that 5 miles doesn't wind us anymore. That 8 miles has become refreshing instead of making us feel like death-warmed-over. He stretches us in our faith so that we will have a greater capacity for faith.

So, this post is about me looking back. Because as much as being here is about giving/putting-out for others, it has also been a time for the Lord to teach me, both in spiritual and practical ways. I wanted to share a few of those things with you for your encouragement and also for your continued prayer for these areas of my life.

Being in Thailand…

…Is allowing me space to grow.  Maybe it has more to do with the fact that I’m alone in an unfamiliar place, but it has forced me to confront a lot of ugly places in my heart. How often do I put off heart-checks because I am distracted? Ummm… yeah.

…Is keeping me an active learner. I didn’t learn a lot of things growing up because there were always more capable people around to do them for me (shout-out to my parents, who can do pretty much everything, excellently). Of course, that’s an immature way to approach life, but it’s hard to intrinsically motivate yourself to do/learn hard things. Let’s blame it on human nature. But here, no one is doing anything for me. If something needs to be done, there is no “honey-do” list. There is only a “Liz to-do list.” This both wears me down and excites me. Some days it's fun to learn things and slop my way through new experiences, but after a while, it does get wearisome. Perhaps because we weren’t designed to live our lives alone... Regardless, I am very much looking forward to the day when I can hand over the paintbrush, caulk and pliers. :)

…Is helping me learn wisdom, boundaries and balance in relationships. This, of course, is something people learn all the time, but Thailand is so relationally oriented I feel like I'm getting a lot of practice!  I'm always confronting heart questions like: How do I respond to criticism? How swiftly do I forgive? Am I a grudge-holder? Am I disciplined in dying to self? Do I seek ways to serve others? Do I give without expectations of repayment? Living in community quickly reveals these answers. I’m thankful that God has given me relationships where I can practice extending and receiving grace from others, and opportunities to see it modeled biblically.

…Is teaching me discipline. There’s no one to tell me what to do, remind me, or follow up. There’s only me. It’s so easy to blame people, circumstances, finances, etc. for a million and one things… but being single and abroad has stripped away a lot of those excuses. This is how it feels: If I don’t cook, no one cares. If I don’t exercise, no one cares. If I don’t clean, no one cares. If I don’t do my laundry, no one cares. There is a lot of freedom in that, being able to do what I want. But the reality is, as Dodson put it in Gospel-Centered Discipleship, "God's forgiveness frees us from judgement, not from obedience." I am accountable for my freedom; I am responsible for the trajectory and management of the life that God's given me. And the pressure of that is much greater than simply trying to meet the expectations of man. The questions that have surfaced for me are twofold: What kind of person do I want to be? And what kind of person has God made me to be? And the answer to those questions force me to confront the frequent incongruities with what I say I want and my actual choices.

There’s still much I don’t know and a lot more growing to do… And honestly, it's a constant battle to be still stop striving and to let God do the working and the growing in me. But I am thankful for friends, family, a church and small group who challenge and push me to keep reflecting on Christ and the cross.