where i want to be.

I want to get more comfortable being uncomfortable. I want to get more confident being uncertain. I don't want to shrink back just because something isn't easy. I want to push back, and make more room in the area between I can't and I can. Maybe that spot is called I will.  -Kristin Armstrong

Except, I would change the ending to read, "Maybe that spot is called faith." Because the last four weeks has shown me, that despite all that God has taught me in the last year, I still feel uncomfortable with a lot of things. I still feel very uncertain about "my future" and "the direction of my life" and "God's specific vocational calling" for me... I still tend to shrink back from hard things (perhaps less than I used to, but I still prefer to shrink...) There are still a plethora of things that intimidate and scare me... as well as countless areas of my life where God is flashing his pruning shears.

And that's okay. That's where faith grows. Faith grows in the rub between where we are and where God wants us. Between how we are and who we were created to be. The fact that I can't answer the most frequently asked question since I returned ("What are you going to do when you return in December?") freaks me out.

This past Sunday at our college big group, Pastor Doug stated that, "When facing trials in this life we must not avoid the sanctification God wants to bring through them." And I'd just like to chime in and add that waiting is a trial. (In the words of The Karate Kid, "Being still and doing nothing are two very different things.") As much as waiting on the Lord and learning to hear His voice through the chaos and distraction of life is a discipline, it is also a huge trial... waiting is a test. A test of our faithfulness in face of the unknown... to see if we will be steadfast: "loyal under stress" (definition Doug's).

There are dozens of unknowns in my life right now... big unknowns. Scary unknowns. And to look at them daily and dwell on them would send me cowering under my covers catatonic. So instead of that (because really, that's no viable option at all), I am trying to remind myself of the truth. And my Dad, being the good Dad that He is, gave me this timely reminder in small group from James 1:

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

These verses don't say that I should pray to be mature and complete and then whine when it's time to pay the piper (with the price tag reading: trials)... but rather, that I should consider it pure joy because the waiting and the faithing is producing something of value in my life: maturity and completeness. I'm not completely there yet, but it is where I want to be moving towards.

growth.

Everyone told me before I came to Thailand that being here would change me, but slow growth sometimes feels hard to mark, doesn't it? When I was training for the Half-Marathon, every long run felt like the hardest run... ever. I would run 5 miles and think "That's it. That's my max. Can't go further." But then the next week I would run 6. And then 7. And I'd think the same thing, that I'd reached my limit. But the more that I pushed, the more I was able to stretch myself. I think that faith is like that.

God asks us to step out in faith, and if we choose to be obedient, it stretches us. Our obedience often feels like we're maxing our faith out. Like, "Okay, God, I did that for you. But that's it. I can't go any further than that." But then the next time, that same act of obedience becomes a little easier, and we are able to do something that requires a little more faith.

If we don't stop to look back, it would be easy to become discouraged. After all, every act of faith feels just as stretching and just as difficult as the one before. But when we look back we see that 5 miles doesn't wind us anymore. That 8 miles has become refreshing instead of making us feel like death-warmed-over. He stretches us in our faith so that we will have a greater capacity for faith.

So, this post is about me looking back. Because as much as being here is about giving/putting-out for others, it has also been a time for the Lord to teach me, both in spiritual and practical ways. I wanted to share a few of those things with you for your encouragement and also for your continued prayer for these areas of my life.

Being in Thailand…

…Is allowing me space to grow.  Maybe it has more to do with the fact that I’m alone in an unfamiliar place, but it has forced me to confront a lot of ugly places in my heart. How often do I put off heart-checks because I am distracted? Ummm… yeah.

…Is keeping me an active learner. I didn’t learn a lot of things growing up because there were always more capable people around to do them for me (shout-out to my parents, who can do pretty much everything, excellently). Of course, that’s an immature way to approach life, but it’s hard to intrinsically motivate yourself to do/learn hard things. Let’s blame it on human nature. But here, no one is doing anything for me. If something needs to be done, there is no “honey-do” list. There is only a “Liz to-do list.” This both wears me down and excites me. Some days it's fun to learn things and slop my way through new experiences, but after a while, it does get wearisome. Perhaps because we weren’t designed to live our lives alone... Regardless, I am very much looking forward to the day when I can hand over the paintbrush, caulk and pliers. :)

…Is helping me learn wisdom, boundaries and balance in relationships. This, of course, is something people learn all the time, but Thailand is so relationally oriented I feel like I'm getting a lot of practice!  I'm always confronting heart questions like: How do I respond to criticism? How swiftly do I forgive? Am I a grudge-holder? Am I disciplined in dying to self? Do I seek ways to serve others? Do I give without expectations of repayment? Living in community quickly reveals these answers. I’m thankful that God has given me relationships where I can practice extending and receiving grace from others, and opportunities to see it modeled biblically.

…Is teaching me discipline. There’s no one to tell me what to do, remind me, or follow up. There’s only me. It’s so easy to blame people, circumstances, finances, etc. for a million and one things… but being single and abroad has stripped away a lot of those excuses. This is how it feels: If I don’t cook, no one cares. If I don’t exercise, no one cares. If I don’t clean, no one cares. If I don’t do my laundry, no one cares. There is a lot of freedom in that, being able to do what I want. But the reality is, as Dodson put it in Gospel-Centered Discipleship, "God's forgiveness frees us from judgement, not from obedience." I am accountable for my freedom; I am responsible for the trajectory and management of the life that God's given me. And the pressure of that is much greater than simply trying to meet the expectations of man. The questions that have surfaced for me are twofold: What kind of person do I want to be? And what kind of person has God made me to be? And the answer to those questions force me to confront the frequent incongruities with what I say I want and my actual choices.

There’s still much I don’t know and a lot more growing to do… And honestly, it's a constant battle to be still stop striving and to let God do the working and the growing in me. But I am thankful for friends, family, a church and small group who challenge and push me to keep reflecting on Christ and the cross. 

[week one]

Yesterday marked our "one week" anniversary in Bangkok. The first week was important to start developing relationships, recover from jet-lag, and orientate ourselves to the city. While we still don't know where everything is, we can go to Victory Monument to get smoothies or noodles, we know where the closest shopping and grocery stores are, and we can navigate the BTS (/Skytrain). Dylan, one of the other missionaries, even showed me how to get to "Soi Ha" a local street market that sells affordable fruits and vegetables, as well as the nearest Starbucks (for Claire... and Doug when the team comes!).

[left to right: Aom, Claire, me, Noo, and Kung]

[Buying fresh fruit smoothies at Victory Monument... only 15 Baht!]

Today, however, is the beginning of week two. And I think week two will prove to be a lot more interesting than week one-- if this morning was any indication! Today, I crossed the street alone for the first time. I took the BTS solo for the first time. And I got lost for the first time. In all fairness, I knew exactly where I was... it's just that no one else could find me. (Mom & Grandma, don't worry! I found my way home :) )

Today, I also had my "hit the wall moment" as Doug calls it. I've felt exhausted all day and, for the first time since I've been here, I really felt frustrated by my inability to do things for myself. Moving to another country feels like regressing back into my childhood. I'm not independent anymore. I need other people all the time to help me figure out where to go and what to buy. Some of the foods are also so foreign that I have to ask how it is to be eaten. Do I eat the skin? Not eat the skin? Is that thing on my plate that came with my meal edible? Is all of it edible? etc. It is exhausting. And today, I felt it. So, I took some time to nap... okay, I took two times to nap, and tonight I'm going to bed early also.

It is no coincidence that Claire and I decided a few days ago to begin a book study on Sifted-- which we selected per Josh and Tasha Via's recommendation (well, not to us personally, but they recommended it on twitter!). So between my naps today (stop judging!) I read the introduction and chapter 1 and it was such an encouragement. Wayne Cordeiro describes sifting as:

A process that forms new character, tearing away old perspectives and putting fresh truth in its place. Former habits are discarded and wrong tendencies are abandoned... it produces clarity about who we are and what we do, giving definition to the work of ministry that produces long-term results and fruitfulness... Scripture tells us that the challenges we face in life happen for a reason, and the process of sifting refines us, revealing our weaknesses, exposing our self-dependence and inviting us to greater faith in God and greater dependence on his promises.

While getting lost hardly qualifies as "sifting", I do think that this next year of my life will involve sifting. Being away from the familiar and being unable to rely on my own "know-how" is an interesting place to be... but I think it is a good place. In Thailand, I only have God (and His Church) to rely on. (I'm not sure why I even want to say "only God" when that is obviously more than enough.) This experience is showing and revealing to me how much I depend/rely on other things. Because when those "things" aren't there... it is glaringly obvious. This area is something you can be praying for me about (and Claire, also).

For the many of you who are faithfully praying for me, thank you. It is such an encouragement to know that there is an army of my brothers and sisters lifting up Claire and me. There is so much more I want to share with you all, but I promised myself to get plenty of sleep tonight! (We are getting up bright and early in the morning to visit "The Well"-- a ministry for women who are brought out of the bars in Thailand.) So until later...

Disqualified

Why is it that so many of us struggle to share our testimony/faith/the Gospel?

One thing I consistently hear people say is that they don't feel qualified to share the Gospel. And usually this is not meant in a "I'm not educated enough" sort of context. Rather, we allow previous sin or personal insecurities to "disqualify" us from being vocal about our faith. (I use " " marks, because I do not actually believe that the privilege to share the Gospel is earned and it, therefore, cannot be disqualified)

However, while reading through Exodus, I noticed two very interesting parallels between Moses' life and our own (ref: Exodus 4).

(1) After being told his upcoming mission, Moses tells God, "O LORD, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue." To which God replies, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." This however, is not enough for Moses. He is so human here. So identifiable.  "But Moses said, 'O LORD, please send someone else to do it.'"

Maybe he had trouble articulating the things he wanted to say. Maybe when he was put on the spot he faltered. Stuttered. Sounded silly. Maybe he felt awkward, insecure and inadequate. We've all been there, right?

(2) Then there was this little blurb between the burning bush and Moses' trek to Egypt:

At a lodging place on the way, the LORD met Moses and was about to kill him. But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son’s foreskin and touched Moses’ feet with it. “Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me,” she said. So the LORD let him alone. (At that time she said “bridegroom of blood,” referring to circumcision.) -Ex. 4:24-26

And then it picks up with Aaron meeting Moses like nothing happened the night before. Isn't that strange? It was an odd read at face value even without going into all the things the footnotes said... But here's what I gathered as being the bottom line:

Moses sinned.

Moses was supposed to circumcise his son (per Gen 17:9-14), and for whatever reason, he was disobedient and didn't.

And this is the man God used as His mouthpiece to Egypt-- the awkward, self-conscious, sinful Moses. Who, also, by the way, was a murderer. This man was sent back to the place (and people) of his greatest failure to announce the onset of their greatest deliverance. God did not disqualify him because of his sin and insecurities, He used him.

I don't think I'll ever fully understand why God loves using broken things so much. Why He delights in those that society overlooks. Why He not only uses the lowly things, and the weak things, and the things which are not... but also, years later, would choose to enter His creation as one of these things.

So, next time you feel insecure and weak and like a sinner... good. You are one. Salvation never depended on our effort or quality, neither does the process of our sanctification. Tullian states that:

"If God has saved you—if he’s given you the faith to believe, and you’re now a Christian; if you’ve transferred trust from your own accomplishments and abilities to Christ’s accomplishment on behalf of sinners—then here’s the good news. In the phraseology of Colossians 1, it’s simply this: You’ve already been qualified, you’ve already been delivered, you’ve already been transferred, you’ve already been redeemed, you’ve already been forgiven.

The everything we need and long for, Paul says, we already possess if we are in Christ. He has already sweepingly secured all that our hearts deeply crave."

Praise God that He uses broken people as His vessels to take the Good News to the world. Don't disqualify yourself from receiving the blessing of being a part of His plan.

1 Cor 1:26-31

"Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: 'Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.'"