liminal space.

Liminal space is "a state of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the middle stage" between two seasons, or places in life. I think that this middle ground is the hard stuff of transitions... When you are no longer where you are, but not yet where you are going.

As I am wrapping things up here in America, my body can sense change coming... I'm trying to plan and prepare while also being "in the moment" and treasuring these last three days with the people I love. I still have bags to pack and people to see. Monday morning I'll depart with Steph for our long journey back to Bangkok. I think that's why I can't sleep... I don't want to miss anything.

A lot of people have asked where my heart is at, what I'm feeling and processing about returning to Thailand for 6 more months. Am I excited? Am I nervous? Am I sad? I think the emotion that I'm feeling needs a new label, because it's a conglomerate of a great many things.

God is doing incredible things at Spotswood and I have been singularly blessed to have been able to jump back into life here these past few weeks. It's so encouraging to see the new faces and changes that the last year has brought! For this brief window, I've been able to serve and observe... I love that. I have also been able to reconnect with friends and have face-to-face/heart-to-heart conversations that have watered my soul. And yet, as good as those things are, they also make me a little sad to leave because I know more acutely what I am missing.

At the same time, however, I am excited to go back to Thailand. I know that Bangkok is where God has called me for the next six months. I'm excited to help Steph adjust to life/ministry, picking back up with tutoring the girls at Rahab (and meeting some new faces!), serving alongside the dozen college interns coming for Mission Training School at LifePoint, meeting new "family members" at the Community House and teaching classes again! It'll be a busy start to the term, but an exciting one... and I'm looking forward to jumping in and picking up where I left off.

For all of you who have continued to lift me up in prayer, thank you. It has been a crazy-wonderful-whirlwind year... and it's not over! I still very much covet your prayers as I enter into this new chapter, which, though similar, will be a different season with different lessons. I still don't do transitions as smoothly as I wish I did, so please keep me in your prayers as life wraps up here and as God prepares my heart to return to the work He has prepared for me in Thailand. I'm thankful that God is the God of every season... even the weird in-between liminal ones! :)

At risk of being a little sentimental, here are a couple pictures/moments from my time in the US of A.

[My first trip to Chipotle with some of the UMW gals]

[The only thing sweeter than time with grandma is time with grandma at Sweet Frog!]

[Visiting some dear family friends]

[Spending some quality time with one of my college roomies!]

[Hiking Old Rag] 

[Highlight: Every time I got to hang out with this girl.]

[Uhm. I have the cutest niece ever. The end.]

[Catching up with the newest Mrs. Keaton!]

wide open spaces.

It's hard to believe that in less than a month I'll be boarding a plane to return to a different land of the red, white and blue. It'll have been a year since I saw many of you. A year. As I've been thinking and trying to prepare my heart for this homecoming, I have a request: give me space.

Give me space to be different. Yes, in most ways I'm still very much the same, but living internationally has and is changing me. I feel like I've changed inside, though I'm not sure how exactly to articulate it... I have met people, had conversations, and watched my world both shrink and grow simultaneously. To steal one of my favorite Thai phrases, I feel "same, same, but different."

Give me space to have matured. I have had to do everything on my own this past year. There's been no hand-holding or coddling. I've had to feel the full brunt of the consequences of my actions, be they good or bad. I feel capable and confident in allowing myself the experience of both messing up and working with God to fix it... that's the place where growth happens.

Give me space to fail and be imperfect. As much as I wish I was returning a perfectly holy and sanctified person completely complete and not lacking in anything... that's not true. Don't put me on a pedestal. Don't expect that I have arrived. Or that I'll never make a bad call or put my foot in my mouth. I'm still very much a work in progress.

Give me space to explain. I'm not always going to have neat and tidy answers for you. As much as some things have been cleared up in my head, as many (if not more) have also been complicated. I'm sorting it out. I'm trying to understand and to process. So be patient with me as I try to answer and communicate my heart with you.

Give me space to just be Liz. As much as Thailand has been a defining part of my life, it's just a piece of who I am... not my sole identity. And while God has used this place and this experience to grow and use me, I am more than just the "Thailand" part of me. Yes, I know I'll have lots of things to share, and yes, I want to talk about Thailand. But know that I'm okay with not always talking about Thailand. I'm okay being "just Liz."

can't vs. can

There are a plethora of things I can't do... some are for want of trying, while others are simply because I am not qualified by some requirement other than sheer skill. For instance: anything where the pre-requisite is being a man, or being under 5 feet 6 inches, or over 6 feet, or a different ethnicity, or older than a certain age, or younger than a certain age, or ambidextrous, or able to sing the alphabet backwards... I need not apply. And really, none of these things bother me. Except for one.

Last month I was confronted with a ministry opportunity that I was "disqualified" for because I am single. This event catapulted my mind into a lot of reflection. I'm pretty creative, so the more I thought about it, the more extensive my list of "things I can't do because I'm single" grew. Before I realized it, my joy was slowly ebbing away and I started feeling resentful that God would give me gifts and then keep me from using them because of my relational status.

Well. Not long after that, I was able to have some quality sit-still-and-be-quiet time with God at the ECB women's weekend prayer retreat. During that time, God surfaced that the way I had been identifying myself and viewing ministry was in the context of "can't" and "am not": What can't I do? What am I missing? What gifts am I not using how I would like? And He, in His patient graciousness, reminded me of who I am: chosen, called, forgiven, righteous, loved, redeemed, adopted, and sanctified. He also reminded me of the ministries I can be involved with, capacities I can and am serving in, and what singular opportunities He has been able to give me because of my singleness.

He also showed me that this is not a struggle that will end upon getting married. Every person, at every stage of life, has something that, in their eyes, "disqualifies" them from serving either in a way or capacity that they would like. There are parents who want to be more involved in church, but the needs of their young children limit them. Older people who are limited by their health. Younger people limited by their lack of experience. Everyone could come up with some reason why they can't do something, but we also have a choice. We can believe what we feel to be truth, or we can believe what God has revealed to be Truth. That He is sovereign. That He has a purpose. That He is good. That He is for our obedience. To dwell on anything other than this is to follow in the footsteps of Eve, who focused on what was witheld, rather than the abundance which had already been given.

No matter where I am, or what season I am in, God has given me a sphere of influence in which to do ministry. I want to choose to actively recognize what He has given me and how I can use my gifts within the context I'm currently in. Why? Because there is great joy in living and serving within the boundaries He has placed in our lives.

Where you are now is not where you'll be forever. Where you can serve now, is not where you'll be able to serve forever. God operates in seasons. I think the key is learning to maximize and value the season you are in. When this season passes and God opens different doors to serve, love that season, too.

fall and what-not.

I know it's been a while since my last post, but Fall has been on my mind... so I had to give it a proper tribute before moving on to other things.

There is something so beautiful about the heat of summer losing its edge and the cool nights creeping in to cool the day. The leaves bursting with colors and falling, crisping, being collected. Cider available at every store, powdered donuts, cinnamon, browns and burnt oranges.

Even if you don't carve a pumpkin, decorate your porch with hay or eat fresh corn on the cob, it's all still there to observe and enjoy. Sometimes things coming to an end is peaceful... Nature wrapping up before the winter sets in.

[source: nostalgic-wanderlust] 

It's not anything like that here. No warm Fall glaze casting a filter over Bangkok. Here it is endless summer. Some days are warmer than others, but every day is hot, punctuated only by the near-daily rains. Seasons seem non-existant, although those who have been here longer are accustomed to the nuanced shift from rainy season to dry season, with a brief interlude between called "winter".

I do love it here and the weather has grown on me a bit. It is not nearly so oppressive as it was when I first arrived. I've been assured that rainy season is the most pleasant of the seasons and that I'll be wishing it back once the heat index hits 117 and there is no rain for months. And yet, I do feel twinges of homesickness when I see folks back home enjoying the culture of Fall.

This has forced me to put on my metaphorical apron and start being inventive on how to bring Fall here. It's my day off today, and the rain cancelled my long-run, so I've been getting work done in my room. Currently, my toaster oven is heating up a pot with a mixture of cinnamon and other spices in it. The smell of Fall has now successfully permeated everything in my room, including me.

I've also invested in some stock-baking items and organized a couple of my shelves into a make-shift kitchen. There are very few ovens in Thailand, so learning to cook/bake by toaster oven is necessary... if you want to use it for anything more than a glorified potpourri warmer. By the end of this year, I may not be the best cook around, but I can guarantee I'll be much more inventive than when I arrived!

Well, that's all for now. I hope you make time to enjoy this season... And please crunch on some leaves in my memory!!

"What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God." -Ecc. 3:9-13